An old man turned ninety eight

                        Won a lottery and died the next day

                        It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late

                        Isn’t it ironic…don’t u think?

Alanis Morissette sure gave us a lot of pictures of irony in this song. Id like to name this entry this way cos that’s what I sum up the movie “City of Angels” –a little too ironic.

First off, the movie starred Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan. Nicolas is an angel who falls for a human, Meg. He follows her everyday and everywhere till he falls truly, madly, deeply. He loves her so much that he wanted to become “man”. Not so long, a miracle called love happened as a result of a choice he made and of course, permission from Above. He became just like one of us. Imagine celestial being so blest with life none of us could know would trade this for the sake of one woman. It must have been great a sacrifice and a love so true. But somehow, it’s worth it as they spend their moments happy together.

Now the irony is this, the next day after Nicolas transformed into human, Meg died.

                        Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on u

                        When u think everything’s okay and everything’s going right

                        And life has a funny way of helping u out when u think

                        everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up in ur face

As said, City of Angels shows the greatest irony I can think of. But u know what, it’s more than that. I admire the movie for turning this very ironic thing out just fine by showing us how to conquer it. How to face irony.

It is very well said in a scene when Nicolas was asked by a former fellow angel, “had u know this would happen, would u still go for it?”. And the climax I think is here when Nicolas replied, “I would rather have one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One….” Suddenly it brushed off all the resentment, sympathy I feel for Nicolas.

Way way back, I can only think of my lost baby as the greatest irony in my life. God knows how much I want to have one that I suffered great delusions. Like whenever I miss my period, I would think I may be pregnant. Like I never take any medicine whenever sick, thinking it might affect the baby. I’ve searched hi and low on how to get pregnant, how to know if u’re pregnant, etc. And whenever I felt any of the symptoms I act like one: slow movement, enjoying the headache, conscious of the food I take, keep looking at my neck assuming my heart beats faster, hate the smell of toilet cleanser thinking it might harm the baby. Like if I keep all the test packs I used, id have box load of them. Not did I only suffer great delusions, but even worse is the ridicule I face every now and then which is more of adding insult to injury. Some are concerned; some I can only say fond of mocking me like I don’t know where their sensitivity goes.

Until I got tired that I no longer use the test pack but just wait for the definite significant symptoms. Just then my husband told me to use one and to my surprise, the lines are two. I’m PREGNANT! My heart could not contain the joy I had then. Now I can proudly answer, “yes im pregnant”. I started to become more cautious. We had our OB then. Ultrasound. “Early pregnancy. Go back after a week”, says the OB. Maybe by that time the gestational sac would become visible. However, just after a few days I felt this tremendous ache inside that I thought id have miscarriage. It was an ectopic pregnancy. By the time I heard it’s ectopic during the ultrasound I knew I just have to let my baby go. I can’t describe the pain.

The irony is this–a woman who badly wants to have a baby. Did have it. But not for long that she has to let him go (him cos the doctor said it’s a boy) few days after she knows of it.

If only I could express in words the sorrow I had then. First verse came to mind was, “the Lord as given and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord”. My mind said that outright–blessed be the name of the Lord. But deep inside, at the bottom of my very heart I knew I could hardly say blessed be the name of the Lord after taking my baby away. Come on Dok. Get real!

My faith was shattered. It was written all over my face. Few prayers. Seldom serious and quality talk with God. Dusted Bible. No visits on the church. No hymns of praise. It took me a long time to finally let it all out to God. The hurt, the anger, the pain, everything. I denied that incident have not affected my relationship with God. Until now I am on a denial state.

Relating this to Nicolas’ line. Had I not have that ectopic pregnancy and still no baby till now. I would definitely think im barren and probably die of frustration. But God has his way of saying neither one of us is infertile but it just not yet the time. Not now. That is the line I can consider mine and co-equal to Nicolas. And also, “I would rather have a few days of knowing there’s a fetus inside me but have just lost it than a lifetime without it. Just few days. Just once. Just the very thought of it. One.”…..

For others, irony comes in various forms. Such as, it’s better to love and have lost than to never have loved at all. It’s better to love amidst the pain u feel and knew u would still undergo than to never have felt like that at all. Better to meet someone who had caused u so much pain than to never have met her /him at all. Then u should say, “I would rather have one good memory of u, one happy moment together, just the thought of there was once like u in my life than a lifetime without it. One…..”

For us Christians, we would rather have all these sufferings, tests of faith, and trials as the cost of following Christ in this lifetime but enjoy eternity with Him than to have all the great things in life and freedom from pain, cares in this lifetime but suffer eternally in hell.

So the next time u feel like singing, “it’s like rain on your wedding day, it’s a free ride but u’re already paid. It’s a good advice that u just didn’t take”, think of Seth (Nicolas) as he said,” I would rather have one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One….”

As  you got up this morning, i watched you and hoped you would talk to me, even if  it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good  that happened in your life yesterday.  but i noticed you were too busy  trying to find the right outfit to put on and wear to work.  so i  waited.
       When you ran around the house getting ready i knew there would be a few minutes  for you to stop and say hello but you were too busy.  at one point you had  to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair.  then i  saw you sprang to your feet. i thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to  the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip.  i watched as you  went to your work and i waited patiently all day long.
  With all your activities, i guess you were to busy to say anything to me.   i noticed that before lunch you looked around.  maybe you felt embarassed  to talk to me that's why you didn't bow your head.  you glanced three or  four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly  before they ate, but you didn't.  that's ok.  there is still more time  left, and i have hoped that you will talk to me yet.  you went home and it  seemed as if you had lots of things to do.  after a few of them were done,  you turned on the tv.  i didn't know if you like tv of not.  just  about anything goes there and you spent a lot of time each day in front of it,  not thinking about anything-just enjoying the show.  i waited patiently  again as you watched the tv and ate your meal but again you didn't talk to  me.  when bedtime came, i guess you felt too tired.  after you said  goodnight to your family, you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no  time.
       That's ok because you may not have realized that i'm always there for you.   i've got patience more than you will ever know.  i even want to teach you  how to be patient with others as well.  i love you so much that i wait  everyday for a nod, prayer or thought or a a thankful part of your heart.   it is hard to have a one-sided conversation. 

       Well, you are getting up again and once more, i will wait with nothing but love  in you, hoping that today you will give me some time.
   Have a nice day!

      Your friend,
   God

"Can you accept God's will when His answer is no? If you are praying in God's
will, He will always answer you when you pray (Jer. 33:3).
However, sometimes His answer will be no.

King Herod arrested Peter and prepared to have him executed. During the night,
as his church prayed, Peter's life was spared when an angel freed him.
God miraculously answered the prayers of His people that night. Yet not long
before, James, too, had been arrested by Herod. James, however, was executed.
Surely the church had prayed for James as fervently as they did for Peter, yet
that time God's answer had been no.

Did God love Peter more than James? Of course not. James had been one of Jesus'
closest friends. Yet God allowed James to die while He continued to use
Peter in His service. The church in Jerusalem did not become bitter toward God.
They accepted His answer because they trusted His love and wisdom.

There are times when God wants us to persist in our praying until He has
completed His work in us (Luke 11:5-8; 18:1-6). However, when God's answer is
no,
it is futile to continue pleading for a yes. Some refuse to take no for an
answer, insisting that if you pray long enough and hard enough, God will
ultimately grant
any request you make. It is an affront to your Lord to continue pleading with
Him when He has clearly said no. The purpose of prayer is not to conform God to
our will but to adjust our will to God.  We must learn to trust God so that if
He says no, we accept that His will is best."

Welcome Precious on this little thing I am becoming obsessed with these past few days. Like you I think this is the best thing to do when thoughts just run through my mind unceasingly. And I think writing it in blog would keep me on track on some personal development (should there be) and sharing some lessons I would gladly disclose and some stuffs you too might enjoy. Writing something like this is rewarding most especially when u know there is at least but one person reading. For me, I could only share so much to touch other people’s lives.

I watched “the Little Black Book” last night. And as usual I don’t miss the lesson. The story is for you to know but the lesson….for me to write in this blog. So here is it – “I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end….we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning… the world of chance….and in peace that comes from knowing….that you just cant know it all. You know life is funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel you might end up right where you belong.”

Quite true. We are the captain of our own ships. Sometimes it takes us a lot of planning, careful thinking, risk assessment. Doing these, we think–we know it all–life’s ending, etc that sometimes we play god. We firmly believe we are what we make of our selves. True though, still we cannot deny the fact that –we dont– don’t know what will become of us, what others will, we don’t know any– anything about the future except for small things under our control. We don’t know how long our faith and strength could take us. We don’t know the betrayals, losses ahead. We don’t know our spiritual state in the end. Will we get stronger? Weaker? How long can we pass the test? Patience to prevail amidst hardships, trials. I guess faith plays a vital role when it comes to this topic.

How many of you believe in luck more than faith? The writer of the story does. That’s why it emphasized luck at the end of the story. Luck, he said, exists somewhere between the world of planning, chance and in peace that comes from knowing….that u just cant know it all. And why? Others however, intelligent, persevering are still left behind by not-so smart, even lazy people, merely cos of luck. And many others who were just beaten by a very strong stroke of luck.

You see there are many mysteries in this lifetime such as luck and faith. Faith in its very essence relies on things that cannot be seen. With luck, we can only be thankful once we have it. I guess the difference is how we see good things that come along. Call it luck when u don’t have the faith. And faith when u just believe God is behind it all.